Headline Porn

This is new. One out of five Filipinos is considered nuts? That's a pretty tight ratio. Scary, scary - did they mention a lot of those one-in-fives are currently in top positions all over the country? The rest are in the streets scratching their nuts in public. This is kind of funny until you stop and think. And then it gets depressing.

Ahahahahaah! Grossness. You never really appreciate being able to understand Cebuano until you read shit like this.

Ang Playboy disappointed me by not showing up on the street this week. I suppose it got snapped up before I got a chance to post it for posterity. Damn you, Ang Playboy! Now I'm addicted. I need my fix! Now!

Flavor of Butt

I keep reading about this Flavor of Love show, but it hasn't reached here so from what I've read, it's tacky and full of trash. Sounds like fun. It'll give Pinoy Big Brother a run for its money, I'm sure. Anyway, here's Deelishis, the one who won Season 2. She's also known for having a gigantic ass. Here's her new vid, "Rump Shaker."

Deelishis-rumpshaker
Uploaded by advakidd

Mein Gott, it's like watching a cellulitic train wreck. Is there something that can be salvaged from this? Don't thank me for the jiggling, sickos. Wouldn't it be great if Jennifer Lopez had done a little walk-on cameo? Sheer perfection. So fierce.

That being said, I kinda like the song.

Fifteen

Warhol was right. We'll all get our requisite fifteen minutes, sooner or later.

Here's BFF Illi, snagging himself a full page in last month's ish of Zee Lifestyle, Cebu's premier glossy. That's my girl. Reaching out across the miles. *Hums the Globe theme*


Alex joins in the fray - he hates that picture...


And there's Georgie and yours truly getting their blurbs on. I did a couple pieces for Zee's July ish, which warranted the blurb in the contributor's page.

It's great when you get into glossies! (Thanks, Chucky)

Headline Porn, Hot and Greasy

Yumminess! Who doesn't love a man who sports his own industrial oil slick? He is so perfect. 100ml of Johnson's Baby Oil. Trust. You know you'd have fun doing the rubby with this hot hunk of man. He makes me think of a test subject for Axion dishwashing paste. Will the sebo really come off?

This total panty-creamer graces today's Sun Star Super Balita - sharing space with what Prexy Gloria said during her annual State of the Nation Address. Apparently, there's a "Mr. Perfect Body" contest coming up on July 28. This I'd like to see. Cheap-ass Warner briefs and oil slicks. Formula for success! The ladies will come in droves, I warrant you!

I love it. Look what we value. Politics and beefcake. Headline Porn always brightens up the day.

Fuss and Blather

Finally got around to uploading those pictures of last Friday's fun times. Nothing major, just a little food and drink - a little bit of wiggling the jigglies, fun was had by all, Chuck got trashed as usual, DJ went and flashed the cleave. Like I said, just another Friday night for bored twenty-somethings out on the town. We work hard to party hard. At least it's not drugs, eh?

(Sorry for the disappointed, no vajayjay today.)

Speaking of drugs, I had a major epiphany today; I am addicted to sugar. Yay, who give a rat's poo? So is every other depressed chick who isn't getting any. However this is my blog, and my epiphanies are important to myself, therefore I shall treat this as a major portent so you are going to excuse me for going on about random bulldung.

I had a horrible day. Everything that could go wrong did, and it seemed like each and every caller I had just had problems that weren't exactly run of the mill. At any rate, I wandered into a Mickey D's afterwards, feeling low. Ended up getting a McFlurry, for a quick pick-me-up and felt the high. What a lovely, pleasant kick. A spoonful of ice cream, and all is right with the world.

Oh no. I really should start saving for future liposuction. You know I'm going to look like this:











Stop me. Please.

You're a Pervert!

Suddenly remembered the very first time I got online - back when I was about 15 and only just hearing about this thing called the internet, and "surfing". And the first site I ever visited was... drum roll ... gaycyberslut.com. I doubt that site exists anymore. But still, what a thrill. What a singularly pathetic way to introduce oneself to the interweb.

Ah, well. Never denied I was a freak. Illi was with me. *points* It was his treat. I love the internet.

What Happens Next?

This is it.

The last, and final in the 7-part series. Will Harry die? Will Voldemort succeed? Will Ron and Hermione finally, finally get all that darned sexual tension out of the way and go all third-base on us?

Every time I see an article, any article, pertaining to the 7th book launch of the immensely successful Harry Potter franchise, I close my eyes and scroll feverishly past. Yes, because I'm crazy like a fox. I would rather not chance an accidental spoiler - and you never know. So I close my eyes and scroll on to the next piece of news, because I would like to know the ending for myself, thankyouverymuch.

I've been burned before. No, Cybil, I will never forgive you for spoiling Book 6 for me. NEVER! How dare you read an e-book and tell me how it ended? The nerve, and utter gall. Never, you hear me? And woe betide anyone who spoils Book 7 for me. I will have your nuts. Or your ovaries. Whichever.

(Ironically, Book 6 is by far my favoritest fav of the series.)

Ahem. As I was saying, any article about the current launch, the hint of the word "review", and I'm outta there. I shall honor the book, its legacy and its writer and respect the hard work that went into the making of it. A good book is like a good dish. You savor it, word by word. Page by page. That's exactly what I intend to do.

God I want that book so bad. I wonder when I'll get to read it. No, an e-book is not an option. It insults the definition of the word "book". Nothing like cracking the spine and smelling the pages.

When do I get that darned book already?! Darn it. I wanna know what happens!

*chews on her fingernails*

One Last Bit of Headline Porn

This is so precious, I laughed so hard at this one. The great Diamond Star finally shows the boobage! Work it, Miss Maricel. You just go and work those bazongas. Show your fan club who's boss!

This week has been heavy on the the Headline Porn. The powers-that-be have realized I constantly need new material. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You make life so sweet.

Swimming in Headline Porn

I love this country! Where else can you find absolutely horrific shit like this being peddled on the streets? Magasin ng mga Pinoy indeedy. Ang Playboy is my new Headline Porn™ tabloid of choice. I couldn't even figure out where to start so I just snapped a photo of the entire hot mess and decorated Katya Santos' body parts. The poor girl. She might want to try working in call centers instead of flashing the flesh - it might be more lucrative for her, considering. Anyway boys, try to focus and find Waldo. Tissues and packets of Jergens on the table to the right. Don't thank me.

I especially love how you can get two years in jail for stealing a roll of TP... HAHAHAHAHA! Tragic. Oh, and don't forget how to read the ways to please your girlfriend, kiddos. You know, para ganahan ang inyong girlpren.

Flagrant and delicious. Ay lav et!

A Day With the Girls

So DJ and I spent the whole day yesterday happily letting go of cash. Yes, I know I'm a poor church mouse but even church mice get chances to defy poverty - retail therapy is a nice way of thumbing one's nose to whatever existing establishment. It's a "take that bitches!" hand on hip, two snaps, temporary high. Of course I'll starve next week.

Still, it made for a pretty full day. Shopping, bites to eat, fun times. It's nice to forget about the real world for a while and just live in the present. For obsessive types like yours truly, living in the now isn't something I can do all the time. My genetic make-up doesn't allow for it. I spend my time obsessing about the past, obsessing about the future, and obsessing about how right now will soon become my past, and what it's going to do about my future. *goes off to pop some pills*

So DJ got herself a brand spankin' new music player - plays vids, has picture albums, records convos, FM radio, combs her hair and does her makeup. All for a pretty good price. I am sooooo jealous! I want a player that plays videos. I want one. I want!


Anyway, it should be a fun time tonight - we're going to shake our respective bootyses like usual and hopefully everything will be okay. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore - being up for 24 hours and getting barely any sleep will do that to you.

Headline Porn

HAHAHAHAH! Can you imagine this being aimed at the people who work in LTO Dumaguete? Doing the happy face in that dingy, sorry excuse for a government office facing our local jailhouse. How can anyone even manage any vestige of happiness being stuck in that barn?

This little gem of an article goes on to say there'll be stickers that say "Smile!" stuck all over their cubicles to remind the people who work there to look happy. Or else. Suspension, or some such thing. Tell that to the bitch at the post office. *cough* Sure, that's gonna work. She needs more than a smiley sticker. That one needed laid, bad.

Here's a radical thought, higher-ups. Why don't you pay them more and put them in a place with air-conditioning. Wasting cents on "Smile!" stickers isn't worth squat. Money talks, so either pay up or shut up and put up with it. Can't blame a dame for being sour if the work is all about licking postage stamps and being underpaid, to boot.

Crunchy Bat Wings

We Filipinos always get flack for eating dog and boiled duck babies all fresh in their eggshells. I wonder why they're always on our case. It's not like the rest of the world eats food that's any less weird.

Case in point: China. I suppose that's anticlimactic. They have everything from pickled snake to fried chicken feet, anyway. Thanks for the noodles and dimsum China, but you've outdone yourselves with this latest insanity. And that's saying something, considering craziness level of your cuisine.

BEIJING (Reuters) - Live rats are being trucked from central China, suffering a plague of a reported 2 billion rodents displaced by a flooded lake, to the south to end up in restaurant dishes, Chinese media reported.

Rats had been doing a roaring trade thanks to strong supply over the last two weeks, the China News Service quoted vendors as saying.

"Recently there have been a lot of rats... Guangzhou people are rich and like to eat exotic things, so business is very good," it quoted a vendor as saying, referring to the capital of Guangdong province, where people are reputed to eat anything that moves.
Photo

Some vendors, who declined to reveal their names, had asked people from a village in Hunan province, near Dongting Lake, to sell them live rats, the Beijing News said on Monday.

Some Guangdong restaurants were promoting "rat banquets", charging 136 yuan (8.80 pounds) for one kg of rat meat, the newspaper said.

Even better:

"... Chinese media in Guangdong province reported on the sale of “heavenly dragon meat” in restaurants in the provincial capital of Guangzhou. The dragons are in fact rats, imported from Henan province, where they are running rampant."

Heavenly Dragon Meat. What genius. Reminds me of the pervasive Ma-Ling rumor, the one where someone said a human finger was found in the middle of all the canned meat. Or was it that Ma-Ling was made from aborted babies? Can't really remember anymore.

I take it we're preparing for the inevitable famine that's coming. You know, because we're overpopulated. GMA-7's been overdosing on the fried cockroach stories, the people who let leeches suck off their own blood and then eat them outright, broiled lizards and whatnot. This does not surprise me. Hungry people will eat anything that moves. And if you close your eyes long enough, it's all going to taste like chicken, anyway.

Headline Porn

It goes on to say the manic Juanisito started running around trying to stab neighbors with an ice pick before the local police arrived on the scene and shot him. I peeked at page 2. HAHAHAHAH! Yeah I wouldn't stay with a guy with a name like that either.

Where's King Solomon when you need him? You know it doesn't take much to cut a body in two equal parts. It's called a threesome, Johnny. Look it up.

Share the blessings, you guys. It's all about peace, love, and gonorrhea.

Here Kiddie Kiddie...

Here's Harry Potter from back in the day. Sorcerer's Stone movie. Cute little tyke, eh? Soulful eyes, wistful smile. Everybody now, awwww.

I really shouldn't have read the book so close to watching the movie. It just invokes feelings of disappointment. The book is so much more detailed, so much more colorful than that bland display of storytelling. Where was the swooping orchestral music? The humor? The Quidditch? The icky tea room where everyone who wants to kiss and canoodle on visits to the village goes?

Instead we have a hot(!?!?) Harry Potter, an insecure and way-too-obvious Ron (adolescence isn't kind to everyone) and a heavy-breathing, perpetually furrow browed Hermione, who is probably also capturing male attention for having breasts that have developed rather nicely.

Other than that, I did like the climactic wizard showdown very much. Dumbledore vs. Voldemort. That's right, bitches! They were bringing it on like there was no tomorrow. They kicked ass like that. You'd think two grown men playing with their sticks could be boring. Wait, that sounded really dirty... *slaps self* ANYWAY. I liked that part of it, at least.

It's disconcerting to see Harry now. How am I expected to concentrate on on plot and dialogue, when my brain keeps saying "look at the way he fills out a shirt"? He has muscle definition and is actually worth snogging. Can actually snog. That kiss reminded me of what it was like when I first got kissed - the whole "did someone get the license plate" dazed feeling of hormonal craziness that happens when you first lock lips with someone else.

God I am a sick pedo. He's supposed to be fifteen. I can't slaver over a fifteen year old orphan, can I? I shouldn't. It's wrong... but it's so easy... I could play Mrs. Robinson to his young graduate. Show him how the real world can be. Sick! Lusting over Harry Potter? How has it come to this? Is it my fault he's developed so nicely? Harry Potter and the Extra-large Condom?

(No, that's not a scene from the movie, it's a promo photo of Equus, the stage play he was in.)

A Very Hairy Potter

I couldn't resist. Here's Daniel Radcliffe (also known as the guy who plays Harry Potter) doing his best leather twinkie impression. Yes, that's what the headline was talking about. Harry Potter has pubic hair, people.

He's so sexy. God what a thought. Now show me the armpits, Harry!

I guess he wants to break out of the stereotype. First he stars in Equus - about a sexually charged stableboy who gets nakey on the stage, and now this. By Steven Klein. It's working, old chap - this picture makes me think maybe you'll start busting out a big chrome dildo or something and waving it in the air like a magic wand.

Can't be easy to be known more for your movie alter-ego than for yourself. I don't blame him one bit. Except maybe it would be easier if he just held up a sign that says he masturbates and fantasizes about women. Or get caught in a tabloid nuzzling some busty barmaid. Why subject us to this? It's like the death of a dream. No, Harry! Don't grow up!

(This comes out in the latest issue of Details magazine, don't thank me, you sickos.)

Oh eff it all. I don't care if Harry Potter has pubes, I'm still watching the movie! God I can't wait! Alex says it's a long movie. Two and a half hours, and advises me to visit the ladies room before I watch. Two and a half hours of Gryffindor, Hogwarts, Quidditch, magic, whee!!

*Toddles off happily*

Headline Porn

It's still high? No! Really? You don't say. I thought we lived in a utopian heaven where everything's fair and square?

They make it sound like they're doing the nasty! This shizz really sells. They know their stuff. It's aaallll gooooodddd.

Let's Roll

Why did Avonus Prime fail the audition, Michael Bay? Robots need love too! I want My Little Pony Transformer to be my best friend. We could snuggle together when it's not saving me from Megatron. If he'd put any of these in the movie I probably would've perked up enough. He didn't. I snoozed. Chuck says I should've watched Die Hard 4.0. Mmmkay...

Yatta!

Japanese for "I did it!". Hiro Nakamura rocks my socks. You gotta love a guy who screams aloud happily in the middle of New York City and walks happily down Times Square saying "Britney Spears" and "Go Yankees!" to random passersby. I know I'd do it. After kissing the LAX tarmac.

Watch Heroes on NBC. It rocks.

I Should Be so Lucky

07-07-07 doesn't come around all the time, so I decided to dress it up and strut it at the mall.

Watched Transformers with Chucky, and was dozing off through 1/3 of it. I suppose it was exhaustion. I'd spent my whole weekend watching the entire Season 1 of Heroes (which is now one of my favorite favorite shows) and barely got any sleep, but still. Michael Bay ODs on the explosions again. Zzzz. Michael Bay. Zzzz. It's just crash, boom, bang every other minute, not to mention being totally distracted by the girl lead. I kept wondering what mascara she uses. And no one looks like that in high school.

This week was nothing special. I just feel sad. This "being an adult" thing is hard. Relationships are hard. The only reason I wanted to be adult was so I could wear lipstick and nail polish and heels... I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to do the whole bf-gf thing either. Too much teen movies. Too many walking into the sunsets. Daisies and hand holding. Now that I'm where I thought I wanted to be, I realize I don't want to be here at all. The proverbial grass being greener over the septic tank, or whatever. Whatever it is, and whyever things happen, I just feel, suddenly, so damn old.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Mascot Porn!

That's me with the biggest cock I've ever seen. I had to kiss it. You should kiss things you know will happen only once in a lifetime.

Yesterday was the first time I'd seen the Chuckie the KFC mascot out full force and it's given birth to my newest thing! I call it MASCOT PORN!™

There's something vaguely kinky about a mascot. You don't know who's inside. At any rate, I have decided I will have a picture of me amping up the sex with every available mascot from every available fastfood franchise that exists in this city. This doesn't just have to be me. You know you love this shit. Send in your own, and remember it's got to be you doing something lewd to the mascot of your choice. I'll blog it up!

Just wait till I hit Disneyland. I'm salivating over the possibility of a Seven Dwarf gangbang picture already! God, when are Susy and Geno coming to town? I can't wait!

*trots off happily*

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

Here's Dawn Jay and I bringing on the hot in Shangri-la Mactan.

Yes, DJ's back in town, bitches! After a yearlong hiatus from the fuss and bother of La Sugbu, she's finally moseyed her way back to the big bad metropolis. As a teacher. Of biology (she's a bio major). To college students. They do not realize.

The terrible trio (Chuck, DJ and myself) celebrated by going to the Full Moon Party at the Shang last night. The venue may have been pretty and all, but the party was a letdown. It rained cows and chickens, there was no full moon in sight, and generally having a rainy party beachside is a bad idea. I know, I know, they didn't ask for it to rain. Anyways, we're not ones to waste a good venue for camwhoration, and the rest is history. I look like Amanda Lepore.

Since that party was a bust, we hied off to our old haunt, Vudu. Best time I've had in a while. It was just like old times again - great music, partying until 6AM and stumbling out just when people are riding jeepneys to church. What a blast. DJ more than made up for lost time. And I mean really made up for it. Mein Gott. Tut, tut. Mein Gott.

It's been a while since she's been here, and it's good to have her within walking, talking distance again. We've done a couple of brunches like sophisticated career girls would - nothing spells sophistication like chowing down at KFC - and we hang out when we can. I'm happy she's here again. A girl can always use whatever moral support she can get, and the more friends the merrier - especially in a big, uncaring, lonely city filled with otap vendors.