Headline Porn

For the first time in recent memory Ang Playboy disappoints me. Not good enough, Ang Playboy! How can this be the only thing worth showing on your front page? Did everyone go on a belated leave? What kind of shizz is this? Big round of boo.

I guess the gods have merited today as a good news day:

Had to snap this. It's today's headline - look at the look on our homegirl Gloria's face. Priceless! She is totally slapping that graph in the faces of her detractors. I love it. I should probably ride this wave and buy things online left and right before the dollar stops taking such a nosedive.

Mascot Porn at Mickey D's

The second time around! Love is a many-splendored thing. That's me sitting on the pride and joy of McDonald's. Mimes are so hot. Look at Ronnie making his nasty face - you know he likes what I'm doing to him.

Um... Maybe?

Presenting Miss Britney Spears, trainwreck extraordinaire! Her life is a mess, but I like the new song that's out - posting it on here with much thanks to Breatheheavy.com. According to them it's not clear yet whether or not this will be her carrier hit single. At any rate, it's out so hit that play button for Gimme More - Britney Spears if you love yourself some pop.

Dance, Dance, Dance

Mein Gott, this is precious. Gave me defined ab muscles for all of five minutes, I was laughing so hard - I think everyone in my suki internet cafe now thinks I'm nuts. You need to view this from beginning to end. Grabbed from the crazies over at Nakanampucha! this is apparently a Filipina at some Fil-German party doing the entertaining thing. It warms my heart, especially when she just suddenly disappears at 2:39 and 3:10. AHAHAHAHAHAH! You can't stop that woman! She is an unstoppable juggernaut of the splits. Keep that Filipino pride alive!

Reminds me of a time when Chucky said he went to a gay bar in Manila, and this gay boy kept cartwheeling around and doing the splits, screaming "Japan!" everytime he hit the floor. Is this what I need to do just to get out of the country? Damn, my gramma has better moves than that.

I know, I know, I'm suffering from bloggorhea - I haven't gone online for the past few days and I'm keeping my fix alive. This is my last entry for the day, promise.

World Peace

Here's Miss South Carolina doing her best to screw up her chances for the crown of Miss Teen USA 2007. She's the internet's latest and greatest celebrity, and (arguably) a national embarassment.

Please, bitches. If you think her answer was worth all the public pillory, you really haven't been to the Philippines.

We've got "... representing the Engineering Building!" classic as a contender. That's got to beat all. Then there's Melanie Marquez's "my long legged legs" winning answer.

My internet sources tell me this is the full and direct quote:

“No, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long-legged.”

- Melanie Marquez, in answer to whether or not she would insure her legs for a million bucks like Angie Dickinson did

We are the land of beauty pageants. Miss Gay Purok Lawa-an anyone? Mr. and Miss Kindergarten! We beauty pageantize everything we see! It's a cottage industry for the gays and the gay make-up artists and the bad costureras with sequins and taffeta. As such, we have had more of "I truly believe and I really strongly believe" in one month than all the first world countries put together can come up with in a year. And crazy answers like Miss South Carolina's are a dime a dozen.

Sadly, none of our own beauty pageant moments are captured to satisfy our voracious internet appetites (I haven't found any yet, anyway). So here's yet another ridiculous clip from a non-Filipino pageant night - this has got to be total genius. From the rocky shores of Hawaii to the beautiful sandy beaches of... Hawaii. What a winner.

Dead on Arrival

AHAHAHAHAH! This new dose of Headline Porn™ is a breath of fresh air in the PR-infested world of Philippine reviews.

Alright, fine, I haven't heard any of their new songs yet (and I don't intend to) but it's refreshing to see this in print - you know it's true of most of the uninspired Pinoy musical bilge that pollutes airwaves. Nothing like down-home, true-blue Cebuano to get the point across.

Truth in advertising. Hardcore honesty, y'all.

I lav et.

Always Something There to Remind Me

Collectors items! I just thought the general public would like to know where all the 3 1/2 floppy disks went. I found these moldering away in a store window in the middle of God-knows-where, Mandaue City.

These mothers used to store all my school assignments and shizz. I felt so good and techy carrying them around in vibrant colors, yellow, pink and the like... and they used to cost a pretty penny and took forever to load up. The times, they are a-changing. Wait, no, they have a-changed. Fossils! Load the time capsule Scotty!

Yummy

Mmm. The latest in haute cuisine hits Dumaguete! Oh, the yumminess. Grab your napkins and use it for a bib. Dig in, and enjoy.

Scot-Free

Look at these beauties and their mugshots. Lovely. And to think just a year ago everyone was crazy over Paris Hilton's excruciatingly dumb single Stars are Blind. Blech.

I don't understand celebrity justice.

Nicole Richie, famously busted for driving under the influence, and generally being a drug-riddled, albeit fashionable, excuse for humanity gets in jail for less than a day (82 minutes, to be exact) and that's considered punishment? On the basis of what, exactly? Because she's pregnant? Because she's a celebrity and would probably end up dead in jail? Shouldn't she have thought about that BEFORE getting all high and driving down the street the wrong way?

And Lindsay Lohan is going to get a measly day in jail for repeatedly getting caught with coke up her nose and her hands on a steering wheel. This girl has been caught on camera numerous times, the proof is there, and she gets off with a slap on the wrist? Why? Because she's issued a public mea culpa admitting to being an addicted coke-whore? What did this girl do, blow all the right people?

<- (Here's little Linds, stoned out of her damned mind, courtesy of X17.com.)

Paris Hilton must be so furious for not being able to blow enough people and ending up with 23 days in the clink.

I just don't get how such a flagrant display of avoiding public justice can go over easy in a country that holds their justice system up high. Who do they think they are, the Philippines?

Yay

It's great to be home and chillin with the homies. There's something about your hometown, I suppose. There really is something about Dumaguete. Can't hate it, no matter how backward it can seem sometimes. It's in the air, the water, the earth. The shops. The places to eat. It's the comfort of home. It's so good to be back.

Omg I have so much new material to post up, but my darned bluetooth thingy is sitting at the bottom of my other bag at home. Grr. Will post up stuff as soon as I can. Sorry, no headline porn today.

The Singing Frog

I'm back in Dumaguete for some R-n-R, and to take in the sights. It's Founder's Week, bitches! It's good to be back with La Famiglia again. I got into a discussion with my bros about crazy Looney Tunes cartoons. Today's stuff has nothing on the classics.

I leave you with Michigan J. Frog - performer extraordinaire. Good times. Ay lav et.

Headline Porn

See, this is why guys really should feel more love for the trusty rubber. There's no excuse for not being able to afford a cheap-ass PhP20 packet of Trust Condoms. You never know what hormones do to pregnant women.

Sticky Fingers

AHAHAHAHAH! I believe I have found my latest addition to the insanity of Headline and Mascot Porn. This is my new love, bitches!

Send it in, if you see any of these gems!

I love me some shoplifting mug shots. Nothing like having your photo plastered for all to see with your pilfered item of choice. Here is my first (and admittedly crappy) picture - and you will never guess where I found it.

Snapped it in an ukay-ukay near my favorite internet cafe. Unbelievable. This girl has plumbed new depths. Stealing from an ukay is probably widespread, but getting fingered for it? Priceless. Congratulations!

I'll get a clearer picture of her beauty soon. This is a promise.

This Just In

And in the most unlikely turn of events, Anne Rice, celebrated author of gothic vampire novels (Queen of the Damned, Interview With the Vampire, Tale of the Body Thief, etc.), is now a Christian. As in born-again, hallelujah-ing, clap your hands together now, Christian. Whodathunk? She was the last person I would think would turn to God.

Boggles the mind. Click here to read it for yourself.

I guess this is old news, but I just found out today. That is just plain crazyweird, considering the marvelously gory contents of her novels. Bones, spirits, vampires, death. But God forgives. No, don't throw stones. I think everyone has a right to religion, and I'm not kidding.

Maybe Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and co. will have a clue and get themselves to the nearest nunnery. Hey, if Anne Rice can find God, Hollywood coke-whores can, too! And they better do it fast before they snort themselves to death.

Up next, world peace.

Seen and Heard, Part Deux

Grabbed from Himantayon.com. What these guys have done is utter genius. It's my new fun site of choice and I recommend it to anyone who understands Cebuano. Ay lav et!

Seen and Heard

Discovered this store this morning with Chuck. I love the name - these people are priceless. From another angle:

You know, for upscale customers. If you don't wanna deal with your friendly neighborhood drug pusher, you know where to go.

Pass the dutchie to the left hand side...

Headline Porn Triumphant

I finally got my bluetooth situation under control, which means it's Headline Porn time!!! You didn't think I'd forgotten about your fix, did you? 'course not. It's an obsession now. Enjoy the cream of the current crap:

And he worked so hard to get there. Precious. God, this is so effing precious, I could cry. I don't suppose he realized he was climbing to his death? Akyat that bahay, bitch!

Christmas come early! Thank the gods for this, my Headline Porn™ tabloid of choice. Ang Playboy strikes again! Another piping hot mess served up for your consumption. I couldn't get a decent shot because if I took that paper down from where it was hanging, the fruit lady would've chased me out for being a perverted freak.

Revenge of the Sweatshops

Everyone's on China's ass these days - toy giant Mattel has recalled a bajillion toys which contain tiny little magnets that tykes (presumably) are all too willing to swallow and seemingly harmless toy automobiles painted with lead-paint.

Mattel recalls of toys for this month (with number recalled in USA):

Polly Pocket play sets: 7.3 million, plus 2.4 million in November 2006. Magnets can come loose.
Doggie Daycare play sets: 1 million. Magnets can come loose.
Barbie and Tanner play sets: 683,000. Magnets can come loose.
Batman and One Piece action-figure play sets: 345,000. Magnets can come loose.
Pixar Sarge die-cast cars: 253,000. Lead-paint hazard.
Nickelodeon- and Sesame Street-licensed character toys sold under Mattel's Fisher-Price brand: 967,000. Lead-paint hazard.
Sources: CPSC, Mattel, The Associated Press, USA Today

Seems China's credibility has been in free-fall ever since that pet-food recall incident. Suddenly everything that's "Made in China" is suspect, and they're testing things out the wazoo. You mean all these toys we've taken for granted are deadly? Apparently three children swallowed magnets from these toys and ended up with perforated intestines. Parents are by nature programmed to be paranoid and overprotective for the kiddies so it's no wonder the hue and cry about this latest setback is astounding.

See, this is why life in this country is good. We don't have the luxury of all those highfalutin' toys. Our children play with old tires and tin cans. Siatung, anyone? That's a game using slippers and bamboo sticks. Piko, which involves flat stones and lines drawn in the dust, is organic to the max! Kid friendly. We don't need no stinking Barbies, do we? No we don't.

This whole manufacturing witch hunt probably is legit, but the theorist in me lives on.

Could it be revenge for killing America's pets? I know how them Americans view their pets - they're like family members - or could it be a great excuse for America to pull out of China and leave them floundering? Back to Made in America! Think about it. They get their jobs back and their economy goes back to its pastime of kicking ass and Georgie W. can pontificate with pride again. Maybe it's China's way to world domination. Poison them slowly.

I have no idea why all of a sudden China is the devil, but when you cut costs and want more value for less, this is bound to happen. And now we Filipinos are cashing in on the hue and cry, making our own tests. I remember seeing something about White Rabbit Candy having formalin. So far they've also found freon in toothpaste and more lead in jewelry. Gasp! The rumors are true! They're gathering rats and making them into potted meat! If they test out my favorite Ma-Ling potted meat and find crazy human parts, I know I will be traumatized for life, because I love me my Ma-Ling.

Still, I need to know why this took so long. Why now? Made in China has been around for quite a bit, hasn't it? And we've been eating and drinking and playing and using their produce, haven't we? So why are we all caught up in this mess now?

Headline Savant Porn

village idiot savant: "RP Battles with Dandruff"

Dom beat me to it! Ah well. If you can't get your headline porn fix, gotta get it somewhere else. Someone is upholding the headline porn tradition! I am happy about this. Spread that love, spread that love! I promise some savory treats coming up once I get my bluetooth situation fixed. Bluetooth is my best friend!

This is such a precious country. Shedding scalp cells and everything. I don't understand how this could stand up in the world of professional journalism. MANILA BULLETIN! Thank you for this pricelessness! It reminds me why we want to escape this country. In droves.

Susie

Meant to blog today, but realized I'm way too pooped. Overdosing on Samurai X and not sleeping will do that to a body. All apologies for the dearth of headline porn... it will be back with a vengeance. This is a vow.

I'll leave you with the crazy King of Pop, Michael Jackson - say what you want about the Jesus Juice, this hot alien has churned out some great shizz.


Michael Jackson - Blood on the Dance Floor

I Believe I Will Have Your Heart Roasted on a Spit

Watched Ratatouille with DJ yesterday. Heard a lot about it, mostly positive but refused to listen to any further details, since I didn't think a movie about a rat who cooks would be worth anything. Boy was I wrong.

How could a rat possibly make a good protagonist? Not even Remy, the cultured, refined genius rat chef could've convinced me in the trailer. Maybe I'm way too used to trailers giving away mostly everything (Filipino cinema, I'm talking to you) - or teasing, tantalizing trailers that ultimately make me watch a movie that is anything but satisfying. Not Ratatouille. The movie is uplifting, educational and a modern-day fable for class differences, life's obstacles, and having courage to do what one believes in.

It had great action sequences, wickedly witty dialogue - "If it's garbage, and no one wants it, then why are we stealing it?!" - perfect voice casting, and hilarious comic timing. Still, a rat is a rat is a rat. People who don't like rats may want to close their eyes during a few scenes. I do love the shotgun-wielding granny. That biznatch was hardcore (Pixar always comes up with these quirky side characters who steal the show. My personal favorite will always be Edna Mode, fashion designer for the Incredibles).

There's something to be said about going to a movie expecting absolutely nothing, and being pleasantly, awesomely surprised. Eating crow never tasted so good. Pixar deserves its reputation for well-made, awesomely told, animated movies.

Here's Lifted, an animated short from Pixar. Genius. Ay lav et.

Pixar - Lifted
Uploaded by NicOFP

Barely Clothed and Writhing

50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake - Ayo Technology
Uploaded by kevinb1984

My, my, my. Curtis Jackson and Justin Timberlakey in a viddy together? Fiddy is totally capitalizing on Justin's current market value. I don't get why JT always has to go show he's all RnB and all that... sometimes he tries way too hard to be all tough and street credibled. I do like the song and I suppose it's sexy.

Will they ever have a decent video with no strippers? Seriously. How about midgets bumping uglies? Butterflies and cotton candy? It's strippers and strippers and oh yes, even more strippers. And throwing the dollaz around town, and etc. It's tired.

This just got released yesterday, so here goes. Ayo Technology (She Wants It) by 50 Cent, feat. Justin Timberlake. With the requisite Timbaland cameo. That man is in everything. Enjoy.

Ironically Yours, Headline Porn

The Catholic Bishops will take action against the pedos of the world! Mmm hmm. And guess who'll probably get to be the first entity that the CBCP takes action against? LOL. The genius who did this front page either has a twisted sense of humor, or has absolutely no idea what's going on.

Do Not Sniff Rugby Before Noon

AHAHAHAHAAH! What a treat! How often do you get crazies riding in the front seat of a jeepney you ride? Taken on my way to Ayala last Wednesday. Precious. He must've been sniffing the rugby bottle a bit too much. Everybody was pretending not to notice the hyena in the front seat, of course. Even moi. Except I was sneakily putting it down for posterity. Ay lav et.